Good Byes Really Suck...

Rough day...

Well it was our final day at school and at the children's home today and it was not at all easy! I held it together at school fairly well only tearing up a couple times, one being when all of the kids were sobbing and running after our van as we drove off...never to see them again :( I think the hardest part for me is that I cannot say that I will see them again or don't worry we will meet again because we probably won't and I probably wont ever see them again. I hate that!

After leaving the kids at school it was then off to the children's home...I knew it wasn't going to be any easier..actually harder. Bianca lost it in my arms and I didn't let her good the whole time we were there. She never stopped sobbing and that is when I lost it. I though to myself...why do I have to be another person who leaves her...why do I have to be another person who she has to say goodbye to...IT JUST PLAIN SUCKS!

Bianca is a girl who doesn't have a mother or father in her life...she doesn't even live with any blood family members...she is one of the only kids in the home that doesn't have a sibling living there and she has been left by WAY too many people. If you haven't read any of my other blogs, she has called me her mom since the beginning and I have practically adopted her as my own. It is sooo hard to leave her and no matter how much I told her that I promise to write and I'll NEVER forget her...nothing helped her pain. I prayed for her and hugged her close for a long time. Then....I had to leave her...I had to leave her crying in the doorway of the children's home...it was one of the WORST feelings ever!

I can't say much more...just that good byes...they really suck...

AND...I still have so much to process...

Video of some of my grade 3 learners singing a good bye song to me. :(

Chitoka and De'loris

Emotional Monday...

What a day…

School was surprisingly good for a Monday! I felt bad for the learners though…my teacher did a religion lesson that consisted of reading first and then a HUGE summary that the kids just had to copy into their books. It took them all morning to do this. No activity, no engagement, just copying words from the board. Then, after break, I taught a math lesson on less than and more than, gave the kids a few practice problems and then tried a game called math basketball with them. Although the game got to rowdy and the kids couldn’t really handle it, they had fun while it lasted. I told them that maybe we will try again another day this week, but the days are winding down. We did play another game though at the end of the day…HEADS UP SEVEN UP…a classic, but these kids had never played and they really enjoyed it. I even enjoyed just being able to have more fun with the kids. My goal is to play at least one game with them each day. I just really want to spend as much time as I can laughing and smiling with them, rather than raising my voice and being frustrated with them.

After school, I walked home with the Children’s home kids once again. It was again a great walk. I could tell right away though that Bianca was struggling. She started to tear up as we got closer to home, so I hugged her tight and said if you are sad because this is my last day at home with you, know that I love you, I’ll miss you and I WILL write to you. I told her we would have the best time ever today and enjoy every last minute. I knew by her reaction that I had read her emotions correctly. As we walked in the gate we both pulled it together and it was a pretty normal beginning. The kids ate lunch, rested and then started on homework. I help Bianca with her English homework and then helped Johannes with reading. After this Bianca randomly started reading all the letters and cards I had written her over the last two months. As she read she began to cry…I held her tight and tried to comfort her as much as I could, assuring her in any way that I could. Shortly after this she began to literally ball…balling to the point that she was coughing and hyperventilating. I teared up and hugged her tighter. My heart just broke as I realized that Bianca is one of the only kids there that doesn’t have siblings there. She doesn’t have a real family so when she gets close to visitors, it hits her really hard when they have to leave! In Bianca’s last letter she said to me that she doesn’t have a mother or father and so she loves seeing me because I am her mother. She said she wants to cry every time she sees me because she sees her mother and will miss me! After trying to calm her down a little I took her on a walk. I tried to tell her that she has probably had a lot of people tell her they will keep in touch and then don’t, but I am different and I promised her that I would write and that I would NEVER forget her!

Thursday is the last day I will see her…it is going to be a hard day. It’s so hard to have to say goodbye and not know if I will ever see them again. Usually I can say, I love you and will miss you, but don’t worry we will see each other again…I can’t say that to these kids and that just makes it 10x worse.

What Better than to spend my last weekend at the coast! :)

Honestly...I don't even know what to say...

Sunset on the Beach the first night

The beach was amazing!! I LOVE beaches! Although it wasn't the nicest weather ever, it was beautiful! I had many walks along the ocean...THE ATLANTIC OCEAN :)...and collected many shells! We did a little shopping and touring, but other than that it was a very relaxing weekend just hanging out by the beach. Did I mention we stayed in a house RIGHT ON THE BEACH?? Yea...we could see the ocean right outside our window and could walk down to the beach anytime we wanted! All I can say is..AMAZING! Lets just say that it was another weekend of the Lord showing me how great He is and how beautiful His creation is. I actually got a lot of quiet time with Him on the beach too, which was great!

We also got to cook food this weekend, seeing that our house was complete with pots, pans, silverware, stove, etc. So the first night we split up main dish, dessert, and bread & salad between all of us and cooked in pairs. My roommate and I were in charge of dessert and after her prompt about BJ's, I brought in CAMP PIZOOKIE!!! YUMMM!!

PIZOOKIE!

The girls loved it. It TOTALLY reminded me of camp :) We had pasta for dinner, which was also very good. Dinner was definitely a success. The second night Shane (our driver) and his cousin cooked us a Braai!! That was an experience alright...we didn't end up eating until like 9:30, 10:00. They had some issues with the fire and keeping it going. haha. It was fun though and delicious once done!

Other than that....I know this blog doesn't do the weekend justice but hopefully the pictures help it out...at least until I get home and can tell you all more :)

ATHLETICS!!

A.I. Steenkamp Athletes

On your mark...set...GOOOOO!!!

Wow what a day! Thursday last week my school hosted the big track and field event for the year at a big stadium called Independence Stadium! There were 12 different schools participating and reminded me of just a HUGE track meet, expect they call it Athletics here! It was a blast. We opened the day with the national anthem and scripture reading by the principal, followed a dance performed by our own A.I Cheerleaders! I won't lie I teared up when our girls started dancing in front of hundreds of peers and the whole stadium was yelling and cheering for them! I was soo proud :). It was after this that the running and field event began.

Most of the kids ran without shoes and as the day got hotter I wondered how they did it on the hot track, but they are tough and did amazing!

Our job while we were there was to take lots of pictures and encourage the kids, which was the best! I met a lot of new kids and was able to cheer them on and hang out with them all day!! None of my own learners were there because they are young and the school could only take the best athletes...how they choose, I have no idea.

The day was a roller coaster of emotions though...crying at the beginning, lots of cheering and more tears as I watched all these kids run, jump, throw, and cheer their hearts out! I felt like a proud mama of hundreds of kids :)

High Jump

Long Jump

Hurdles!

While we were there it was also very clear that our school was more than likely the poorest because we were the only school without any sort of athletic uniform...this made it hard to know which kids were ours, but it made no difference to the kids as they still did the best that they could! I loved every minute of the day and left hugging and high-fiving all the kids!

I ended the day burnt and exhausted, but with a big smile on my face and my heart overflowing with joy and proud feelings! :) It was a great day!!

Getting ready for their race

Set...

Go!!!!!

Visiting Vonny and Ethan's Home...

Vonny and Ethan

For one of my assignments while on this trip, we are required to go on a home visit to one of our learners' home to visit their family and learn more about them. I chose the home of tow of my learners actually and it was quite the experience...

On Wednesday, Jessica Edwards and I met after school with my learners and followed them home. It actually ended up being a short walk... only about 3-5 minutes. As we walked up this is what we saw...

We entered their home and I was able to meet Vonny's two uncles. We found out quickly that those were the only two adults home and their were about 7 or 8 kids home as well. After asking some questions about the family and who all lived with them, I found out that their were around 10-15 people living in this small house. On the way to the house Vonny had told me that she lived with her mother, grandmother, grandfather, uncles and aunts. She informed me that her father lived in town, but never told me why.

The Family

As my visit at Vonny and Ethan's continued, one of her uncles, Elwin, started to get very awkward. He kept lying to us and telling us answers and things that were not even close to being true, but consisted of talk about violence and how he was really happy we came to visit there home... the way he said it though was actually a little scary. It was almost like he was trying to scare us by telling us lies about how the area was a very violent place. I tried to just ignore the things he was saying, that is what the kids were all telling me to do, as well as what Vonny's other uncle was telling me. He also told me that Elwin had mental issues and that he was messed up in the head. I don't know if this was true of if he was just drunk. Anyways...As we continued to talk and take pictures, Elwin asked to take a picture with me. This seemed very normal to me seeing that everyone in Namibia, whether child or adult, loved getting their picture taken. Well it didn't end very normal...right as I started to take the picture I saw out of the corner of my eye Elwin coming in for a kiss, I immediately withdrew and said NO! I then stepped away from him as, once again, the kids and other uncle told me he has mental issues. One of the kids even told me I could go stand in a different place. Once this happened it was very hard to ignore him and I was growing very uncomfortable. A few minutes later the other uncle asked our opinion about Obama and as we tried to answer, but change the subject (not wanting to get into politics) Elwin began to cuss and insult Obama, calling him a very bad word. We finally got the subject changed quickly and began taking pictures again. As I took photos of the kids, Elwin once again came over to me and asked if he could take a picture. I said no, turned off my camera and said I was done taking pictures. Just as I was doing this, one of the kids instructed me not to give my camera to him or let him touch it. Elwin then began to cuss us out and get very angry. This is when I decided we should probably leave and head home, so we did.

Me with the kiddos

As I walked back to A.I. to be picked up, Jess and I talked about what happened, trying to process through it all. It was definitely a very uncomfortable situation, but I cant help but think... all those kids live with him and have to hear all the cussing and whatever else happens in the house. Maybe he does have a mental illness, but I will probably never know... I don't know... I don't know what the right thing to do in that situation would have been, but I can only hope that I did what I should have done. I tried to protect myself at the same time as extend grace, hope and love in anyway I could. I tried to respond in polite and open ways, but I still have no clue how exactly I feel about the whole situation...

...

It was definitely an experience I will never forget...

Tuesday!

School was MUCH better on Tuesday. The kids seemed to be listening a lot better and I actually got to give them their Valentine’s Day treats, Namibian bubble gum that looks like now and later candies. I actually bought them thinking they were candies, but later found out they were pieces of gum. It was all good though…the kids LOVED it.

Tuesday also consisted of finishing their letters to my students in the States and we actually got to play a couple games at the end of the day because they did so well. We played “MOO COW”, which is just a fun mixer game that I taught the kids before. We actually never play it right because they always copy me when they are suppose to do their own thing, but whatever they still love it and have fun and that’s all that matter in my book J. We also played a name game, which again we never play right, but the kids still LOVE it and laugh A LOT! It’s times like these that I love sooooo much! I love to see these little kids, who come from all different living conditions and family situations, smiling from ear to ear and laughing up a storm. It’s times like these that make me never want to leave them.

Tuesday was also a VERY special day! It was Johannes’ birthday!! Although I didn’t go to the home Tuesday, I get to see Johannes at school everyday and Bianca let me know that it was his birthday! J So I happened to have a fun pencil on me that I gave him, along with a big hug! He had the biggest smile on his face. It was later that night that I found out from the other girls, who went to the children’s home that Johannes used to have a twin sister and this year was the first year Johannes was celebrating without her. She was bitten by a snake and passed away about a year ago. This broke my heart. The girls even said that they had a picture of her at the home and made a cupcake that set right beside it, while Johannes looked and the picture and talked to her. Part of me is really glad I wasn’t there to see it because I would’ve started balling. The girls said that was it though, he seemed to still be able to have a good time on his birthday after that.

So over all, minus the sad time with Johannes, the day was good!

Valentine's Day

Valentine Treasure

By: Joanna Fuchs

Valentine treasures are people who

have often crossed your mind,

family, friends and others too,

who in your life have shined

the warmth of love or a spark of light

that makes you remember them;

no matter how long since you've actually met,

each one is a luminous gem,

who gleams and glows in your memory,

bringing special pleasures,

and that's why this Valentine comes to you:

You're one of those sparkling treasures!

This was a poem given to the whole staff at A.I. Steenkamp on Valentine's Day, along with a very good chocolate. It was a very nice treat. I began to realize at the staff meeting that here Valentine's day is much more emphasized...even to those who are not married, engaged or seeing someone. They emphasize LOVE more than anything. Valentine's Day is a day to spread love to all those around you...it's a day to remember those you love and let them know...It's a day that allows them an extra opportunity to spread Christ's love, even when some don't believe. I cannot tell you how many times I heard staff and learners say, "Love is in the air!" It was so great :) Being here for Valentine's day gave me a new prospective on this holiday that, in the States, I never really cared for. Valentine's day is a day about love and although you don't need a day to spread love, it gives you an extra opportunity not only to love those of the opposite sex in your life, but those who have shined in your life, those who you treasure and love! I will forever see Valentine's day different.

Speaking of love though...I have to say that it felt like it was lacking in my class today. It was by far one of the hardest days I've had with them. They did not want to listen AT ALL! They were beating each other up, stealing each others stuff, and every time I looked away they were running around like crazies. No matter how hard I tried to get them settled and listening, they didn't listen. I tried every signal I had taught them plus some and none worked. I tried clapping and they just would start clapping and never stop. I tried waiting silently and there was no response...they didn't even seem to notice me. I tried "If you can hear me touch your...." NOTHING worked! I got very frustrated and I won't lie...I cried a little. I didn't want my kids to see that so I tried to hide it and suck it up, but it was so hard. I felt myself beginning to shut down to everything around me, but I knew I couldn't. I had to continue to teach some how.I had to discipline some how. I just didn't know how...So I tried to have a talk with them. I told them they know how to act and this is not it. I told them that they wouldn't be getting their Valentine's day treat if they didn't fix their behavior and I asked them if this was how they should be treating themselves and myself, as their teacher. They told me no, so I then told them that they owed me an apology. Them apologized and I told them that I forgave them and that I expect their behavior to change. I started over and still decided to have a drawing for prizes for those who did behave (very few but some). I put the day behind me, although it was hard and I headed to the Children's home!

It was probably on of my favorite days ever at the home with the kids. It started with walking home with them from school. Last week I thought to myself, why don't we ever just walk with the kids instead of getting picked up and dropped off there? The kids walk home ever day...I want to see how far they walk everyday and what they experience. So I did! We walked all the way home. It was about a 20-ish minute walk probably and walking with the kids was amazing. Bianca, Johannes, and Gustav all waited after school and showed us the way. It was a great experience.

Syndia's Funny Face

Gavin and Johannes' Funny Faces :)

Once we got to the home we cooled of and took some pictures. As the younger kids rested I gave Conrad, Nikki, Deon, and Coco some shirts that Dennis had sent with me. They loved them. I also got to meet Rosa, the owner of Dolam Children's Home. She was a very nice woman and had both Molly and I sign the visitor book, giving them our contact information. I was sure to ask her for their contact information as well and found out that I will be able to send mail AND/OR email any and all of the kids to keep in touch when I return home. This gives me a little more peace about leaving, but I still don't really like talking about it. Rosa was also telling me how they are going to start building a new Dolam Children's home down the road a bit at the end of this month. The small house they have right now is just TOO small and it is hard with 23 kids to only have 3 bedrooms. The older kids are in with the younger and that makes it harder for all of them. SO, they are building a bigger place that will have more space as well as room for the offices that Rosa and other work out of for the home. They have a small office building down the road from the home now, but because of the two different buildings, Rosa is not at the home very often. She mentioned to me that they need all the support they can get to help pay for the new place and asked if I could fund raise money when i get back to the States...I would love doing this, but will wait to see what happens.

Proceeding with the day, once the kids rested we started homework. Bianca had quite a bit of social studies, so I helped her with that as well as Syndia with her reading homework. We got it all done though and then was able to teach Bianca, Syndia, Priscilla, and a few other kids how to play slap jack. We had a good time playing for about 10 minutes, then decided to go on a walk. Bianca clung onto me and we walked a big loop. I had no idea where I was going, but the kids knew the roads like the back of their hand! A couple of the girls, including Bianca, took my camera most of the time and I later found they they had actually shot some really good photos.

Walking with Bianca

Walking with Bianca and Syndia

When we finally got back to the home, Bianca did my hair again and then we just had some cuddle time. I think we are both realizing that we only have a little time left. She seemed very down as the time got shorter and shorter before I had to leave. She was even asking me and letting me take lots of photos of us together. I love all those kids so much and I am going to have such a hard time leaving. I received several letters from Bianca saying how I am her mother and she is going to miss me very much. One particular letter touched my heart and brought tear to my eyes when she told me she didn't have a mother or father and that she loved seeing me and hugging me every day and that when she sees me she sees her mother... It's moments like this that I feel the Lord really breaks my heart for what breaks His! It will be a struggle leaving all of these kids behind...even my learners, but I know it will be OK.

Cuddles with Bianca After a good walk

Johannes...Always bringing a smile to my face!